Disneyworld

Disneyworld is not the only attraction in Orlando, but it started the whole thing. There’s Seaworld, Expo, and Universal Studios, to name some competitors. But I’m going to pick on Disneyworld.

I’ve been there several times. After each time I swear, “Never again.” In my case, it is a fatal weakness which causes me to think my attitude is all my fault. As I grow older, I’ve come to realize that it is my attitude and my fault. But neither is likely to change.

In all fairness, if you haven’t been there, you really ought to do it. I mean, my jaundiced opinion ought not deter you. Especially if you have even slightly masochistic tendencies… or, for that matter, ever wondered if you do. Think of it as an exercise in social self exploration.

I’ve flown into Ft. Myers via Orlando and watched little children exiting the plane in Orlando, often with parents whose glassy expression suggested a cult-like expectation approaching rapture. It would have done no good to warn them. The kids were already off on a fantasy trip they had only previously dreamed of. The over-ten year olds are generally more outwardly professional about it. It’s clear the parents have some communicable disease they’ve passed to the kids and after ten or twelve, the kids have acquired a cynical, protective veneer. That veneer will last until they’re just inside the gate, then the entire family will become about five years old again for maybe the better part of a day.

Little do they know what awaits…..

Line after interminable line, crowds pressing against you at every turn, money flying out of your wallet as if conjured by Mickey Mouse in a wizard’s hat…. And the whole thing is fake. Fake trees, fake buildings, and, most of all, fake characters…. On the other hand, a real five-foot tall mouse has to be at least a little unsettling. Especially if you’re sober.

In contrast, the evaporation of your cash is quite real. But not right away. Visa will happily tell you about it next month.

Finally, at the end of the day they give you a fireworks show. Truly, if you could escape the rest of the day, the fireworks show would be great. Unfortunately, by then you are either stoned on Valium (or need to be), and a good bit of the positive fireworks experience is correspondingly diluted, sometimes dissolving into a fantasy involving Armageddon as a potentially positive experience.

I’m never sure whether the fireworks show is really good, or it’s just that, by that time, the whole Disneyworld thing is over with, and the fireworks are a sort of elaborate period on the end of the day’s sentence.

Take a kid and go there. You decide.